In advent of the Social Living Conference, we have invited our presenters to share perspectives on the relationship between Community and Healing (this year's conference theme). Conference presenter and psychotherapist, Kristin Belkofer, offers these thoughts on the matter. Read and enjoy!
- MASL
Why we need community to survive physically, emotionally, and spiritually.
I spend a lot of time in my car, driving around the city to my client's homes. Some days, the streets are oddly quiet, and a heaviness hangs in the air. It's odd how dark and cold it can seem when you are alone on the inside of a car on a hot sunny summer day, separated from the rest of the world by layers of metal, plastic, and glass, breathing in artificial cold air.
On these days, my behavior changes. My energy fades and I quietly fantasize about going home to nap alone in my bed. Keyword: alone. I eat poorly, quickly, and alone. I tend to become more irritable and much less patient- with traffic, strangers, and even my clients. This undoubtedly impacts my clients, as I breathe my own brokenness and loneliness into their homes and their mirror neurons work overtime to make sense of why their therapist is different today. I become guarded, worried I might be "called out" for not being on my game today. When the darkness passes, I recognize this as shame: an emotion that for me, and I believe many others, grows wildly in the toxic soil of isolation and disconnection from others. It's an illusion; the great majority of people in my world- whether it be clients, family, friends, or complete strangers- genuinely care and want me to be well. The judgement is a cognitive error in my own head.
I also notice that even in my personal isolation, my body and unconscious yearn for connection without my awareness. I’ll check social media and email mindlessly, looking for something…any connection. A note from someone, a small thread of validation. It's an ongoing existential battle- I am not weak for needing to know I'm alive, I make a difference, and I have a purpose that matters. This is an essential need of being human.
Other days, I can feel the energy and joy of our communities as I walk through the neighborhoods I serve. I open my senses to the experience of all of it, feeling the wind in my hair and between my fingers. I feel exponentially more alive and healthier. I eat when I'm hungry, and I take moments to rest. I laugh with my clients, and I notice that I shed the heaviness of the previous day. This leaves me able to be open to the social interactions that not only weave through throughout my day, but also nurture me and give me sustenance, which in turn is mirrored back to my clients. It serves as a model of living fully, something that has become a true act of bravery in our technology laden, negativity drenched, fear-based society. They remind me of my purpose and reality of the privilege inherent in the work I do- reminding me that I am lucky to be able to hold space for and sit in discomfort, joy, pain, celebration with other human beings. And for this to change me - physically, mentally, cognitively, and spiritually- every single day.
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| Dr. Joy DeGruy |
I imagine that no matter what you do for a living, you can relate to the way negative thoughts and their physical manifestations grow when we don't have a way to connect with someone, finding safety simply in their presence and shared space. This is why collective community health is so important. We witness this need when entire community experiences a collective tragedy, like the recent riots, fires, and civil unrest sparked by the killing of Sylville Smith in Milwaukee This is a palpable way to see how collective energy, anger, pain, and suffering can manifest and take on its own power, and become its own being.
I recall the words of Dr. Joy DeGruy, social worker, researcher, and author of Post Traumatic Slave Syndrome, who recently delivered a powerful keynote address at the Social Development Commission’s Poverty Summit. She spoke powerfully on the impact of slavery, epigenetics, and intergenerational trauma that is woven so deeply into our culture, impacting the health, emotions and mortality of African Americans in a society that was not built to serve them but they were bred and conditioned to serve. She began her discussion with the words "It's the secrets that make us sick..." and this stuck with me. When I disconnect with my world, I sustain the secret. When I don't share my anger when I hear others discount the impact of racism on our city or uphold stereotypes of black and brown people, I sustain the secret. When my clients can't share their pain and suffering, they often unknowingly and unwillingly sustain the secrets that make them sick. Often, they can't share it because of people, "helpers," like me who, on the bad days are too stuck in our own personal brokenness to fully see how this impacts others.
The concept of a social baseline and the theory that emerged was created by Dr. James Coan and his research team, and it refers to the idea of all humans have a personal "baseline" from which we view, adapt to, and function in the world. This baseline includes the expectation and perception that our ability to survive in the world is impacted by others around us. Our brain and physiological systems continuously assess tasks and situations, and essentially see other humans as resources in which to accomplish tasks, stay alive, and thrive. The theory asserts that the “presence of other people helps individuals to conserve important and often metabolically costly somatic and neural resources” that, without others, might overextend our bodies and cognitive resources and push us into stress responses (Beckes and Coan, 2011). This also proposes that emotions are regulated socially in the context of other relationships. These are bold statements in our highly individualistic culture where "resources" are often seen through a capitalistic, competition-oriented lens.
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| Dr. James Coan |
Understanding my own social baseline has been imperative to my health. As a naturally introverted person, I need to seek out community engagement like I would food or medicine. It truly helps me feel healthier and make sense of my existence in this world. The community at Milwaukee's Alice's Garden and the Body and Soul Healing Center, intergenerational healing spaces led by lay minister, teacher, healer, and facilitator Venice Williams, have essentially been a clinic for me. My experiences engaging in this community have enhanced my family's perception of social resources, and I feel my body calm itself, soften, and change as I sit down to eat a meal with others at the Table, a grass-roots spiritual group and D.I.Y. church that regulates the energy of my week. With community, the secrets lose their power and no longer make me sick.
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| Community healing event at Alice's Garden |
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| blogger Kristin Belkofer w/ family |
Beckes, L. and Coan, J. A. (2011), Social Baseline Theory: The Role of Social Proximity in Emotion and Economy of Action. Social and Personality Psychology Compass, 5: 976–988.
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