Child Guidance has a long history in Adlerian Psychology, and this year’s MASL conference contains three presentations that reflect this tradition. In anticipation of our October event, I want to share a bit of background knowledge about how Child Guidance has evolved and, more importantly, what makes it different from other parenting approaches.
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| Rudolf Dreikurs |
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| Jane Nelsen |
Adlerian Child Guidance
and Positive Discipline (PD) provide parents with practical tools and strategies
that promote mutual respect and problem solving in the family. Tools like the family meeting, positive
time-outs and job charts. Jane Nelsen argues that without an understanding of the Adlerian concepts underlying these tools, however, they will
end up being ineffective or simply “more
of the same” (Nelsen, 2006). In other
words, we need to understand the “why” – as in why parent, teach, counsel this
way - before we can effectively carry out the “how.”
What follows, then, are
six Adlerian concepts, adapted from Jane Nelsen’s book Positive
Discipline (2006), that form the foundation for all the practical tools
and strategies in Adlerian Child Guidance and PD. By understanding and
internalizing these ideas, she argues, we can harness the transformative power
of Adler’s approach.
1. A child’s primary goal is to
belong and to feel significant
Adler believed this was
the primary goal of all humans, and of children in particular. As social
beings, children understand themselves in relation to their family, peers, and
community. Their behavior is driven by
the desire to belong and feel significant.
Children aren’t aware that these goals are driving their behavior, but becoming
curious about the belief behind the
behavior is a critical first step in better understanding our children.
2. A misbehaving child is a
discouraged child
Dreikurs famously said, “a
misbehaving child is a discouraged child,” (Dreikurs & Soltz, 1964). When
children don’t feel they belong or are significant, they become discouraged. And in their effort to achieve that sense of belonging
and significance, kids proceed to act in ways that we often perceive as
misbehavior.
What follows is generally some
kind of attempt by parents and caregivers to regain control. However, our usual
responses, which typically include blaming, criticizing, coercing, or punishing,
do little to help a child who is already discouraged.
When we remember, instead,
that kids want to feel belonging and significance, and their behavior is simply
a reflection of this, it changes the way we approach misbehavior. Children who
feel they belong and are significant will not misbehave. This is a critical
idea behind many of the Adlerian Child Guidance and Positive Discipline
practices.
3. Social responsibility or
community feeling
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This is an important feeling
to teach children because it fosters their sense of being capable. Learning that they can contribute to the
world develops their sense of belonging – I am needed – as well as their sense
of being significant – I have something unique to give.
When we do things for our
kids that they could do for themselves, instead of making life easier, we are
robbing them of an opportunity to feel valuable and capable.
4. Equality
Central to Adlerian Child
Guidance and Positive Discipline is the belief that everyone is equal –
including children. Equal in terms of
equally deserving of dignity and respect, not necessarily in terms of knowledge
or experience. In other words, this is not a recommendation to allow children
to determine the household budget or decide unilaterally to have pizza for
dinner every night. It is a recognition that children deserve to be treated with dignity and respect, and this includes being part of family problem-solving, rule-setting, and decision-making. Kids who have helped create family rules are more likely to follow them. And it’s another meaningful way for them to feel capable and make a contribution.
5. Mistakes are wonderful opportunities
to learn
We all know that it is
more powerful and memorable to learn something firsthand than to simply have
someone tell you about it. Yet our society has difficulty accepting the educational
potential of mistakes, and often attaches messages of blame and shame when our
children commit them. Rather than encourage learning, problem-solving and creativity, however, blame and shame tend to create individuals who need to please and gain approval, who give up and never take risks, who lie and cheat in order to not get caught, or who rebel (Nelsen, 2006). Part of Adler’s message, then, was to embrace mistakes and learn from them.
6. Make sure the message of love
gets through
Finally, how we say something – our tone of voice–is
more important than what we say. Kids hear the feeling behind what we say before
they listen to our actual words. Jane
Nelsen suggests we ask ourselves, in our interactions with children, "Is what I
am doing empowering or discouraging?” (Nelsen,
2006, p.33).
When parents, teachers, counselors,
and other caregivers internalize these concepts, Adlerian Child Guidance and Positive
Discipline have the potential to be more than another set of techniques to
control, fix, or change our kids’ behavior.
When implemented with the attitude shift outlined above, they have the
potential to create families, classrooms, and communities built on mutual
respect, problem-solving, and social responsibility.
Nelsen, J. (2006). Positive Discipline. Ballantine Books: New York, NY.
About the blogger
Erin Olson has a Masters in Community Counseling and is a Certified
Positive Discipline Parent Educator. She has eight years' experience as a Special
Education teacher and is the mother of a fifteen-year-old. Erin will be offering Positive Discipline classes in Milwaukee beginning in November, 2015.
Well said! This is a helpful reminder and resource for parents and professionals alike. Thank-you for the share.
ReplyDeleteThanks!
DeleteVery well said! :)
ReplyDeleteThanks, Misael!
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